no specs please we're british

life lesson number 456712:
Never wear draw string pyjama bottoms if you are putting the rubbish out first thing - and in a bleedin' gale.
(it's the servants day off here at wytchpicking's mansions for the terminally inept).

The sight of a bleary and myopic wytch desperately dancing after after a wind stolen bin-bag whilst simultaneously flailing about in a desperate attempt to reinstate his trousers being not for the faint of heart.

Though i am sure the inevitable telephone footage will make a bracing and informative clip on youtube later -
indeed, such informal wildlife film is clearly the sort of thing David Attenborough spends his life hoping to catch and voice over "yes, here we see the somewhat comical maneuvering of the creature at the waterhole" -
i am equally certain it is not what my neighbours will have wanted. In fact if not for the aforementioned gale i'm sure i would have heard the encircling echo of false teeth diving into the breakfast bowl. "Oh crikey! number 13's flashing again! Glub glub!"

i mention myopia as it underlines the moral of...
life lesson number 456713:
for heavens sake - if you are blind as a bat/mole/any other sort of small furry pict groovy animal then wear your damn glasses! 
Vanity, Vanity all is V-
Actually... Yes! It is indeed (gleefully dodges responsibility) the fault of my much loved friend V.
When seeing me wearing my glasses she has been known to murmur, in her relaxed Italian way, "Maria ci risparmia! Quegli occhiali potrebbe grazia del culo di babboon del diavolo!"
Thus, and with all the impartiality a hypocritical Brit can muster, i place the blame squarely and (un)fairly on her.
If i had been wearing my goggles i would not have taken off in pursuit of the wrong bin-bag out of the two my double vision was idiotically engaged in relaying to the saggy remains of my brain.
I would have been wearing them, your honour, honestly, if i was not self conscious about the hideous effect they so obviously have. 
And now, satisfied that in your eyes, (far less blindy than mine, of course) i am innocent - and that the true culprit will be brought to justice soon, i rest my case.